Digital Funtown

Well, it's that special time of year again for those who feel they are somehow ABOVE partaking in any sort of tradition that brings together friends and family and promotes goodwill towards man (and woman!). I'm looking at YOU, Emo Kid! Yes, YOU!

You, with your chucks and your Pete-Wentz-style eyeliner (are you TRYING to look like a chick??) and your thrift shop clothes that you ACTUALLY got at Urban Outfitters with Mommy & Daddy's credit card. And the goddamn Pabst Blue Ribbon. Can't forget that.

But in your defense, oh surly, misunderstood one, sure, we all know that we consumer-obsessed Americans have turned Christmas into a commercial whoring out of Jesus, I mean Santa Claus, I mean, where's the sale at? Macy's?

Okay, okay, I can see where the Scrooges are coming from. Christmas just isn't what it used to be. But this spiked eggnog and closeted lighted-tree lover has hope. That's right, hope isn't just about Presidential elections, but about the true meaning of Christmas.

Basically, we all po. We all so broke because of this shiteous economy that we can't afford to waste, I mean, spend, money we don't have on things our friends and family DON'T NEED. So let's hop on the latest bandwagon and CREATE gifts for our loved ones, instead of buying them crap. Make a craft, bake some cookies, go to a REAL thrift store, Emo kid, and try to enjoy this one time of year where you can throw all your petty cares into the chestnut roasted fire and chill out, dude. If all else, you get time off from school and work to open presents and get drunk, jeez.

How shortsighted can two yuppies be? Tim & Elaine probably quit their financial jobs when the economy started tanking and decided that opening up a Halloween superstore would be smart. Too bad they didn't read the fine print on the lease. And everyone knows that the only time people care about dismembered arms and fake spiders are the last two weeks of October. After that, no one cares.

Maybe they could use the leftover fake blood for dyeing the cranberry sauce a really deep red. Yummy.

Yo fools. Berserkey here.

Got an update for all my MMA fans out there. I got it on good authority that Andrei The Pit Pull Arlovski is gonna be on Showtime's version of HBO's 24/7 before his next fight. We gonna peep all the behind the scenes action that goes on before the big day. I'm so fucking pumped for it. I'm gonna borrow BCN's crowbar and go steal a TV and a cable subscription after I finish typing this blog - that's how pumped I am.

"The Day of Reckoning" is January 24th,2009. Get ready bitches. Andrei is gonna take back his heavyweight belt like I stole my $40 back from that tranny hooker on Halsted street.

Recognize,
Bizzurks

Foolish humans! You cannot attempt to punish CheneyBot! 10,000 years ago he was granted access to this plane of existence by Lucifer himself! At the End of Days it is he who will stand in judgment of you!

Now go eat at Pizza Hut and quit worrying about things.

Readers: You may have heard about humankind's attempt to punish CheneyBot, Vice-President of The United States. Let it be known that such attempts are futile as the creature is immune to indictments.

Furthermore, there is no manner in which to "punish" CheneyBot. 10,000 years ago CheneyBot was given access to this plane of existence by Lucifer himself. There is but one method to be rid of him. You have to leave a trail of dead mackerel from his secret penguin lair under the White House. That trail should smell of relatively fresh human children. I would recommend leaving a bucket of mackerel in an orphanage for a day or two before you attempt. CheneyBot will become excited and waddle with fervor toward the baby smell.

Lead him to a bunker buried deep within the CIA headquarters at Langley. There is door with Wyoming 666 stenciled in goat's blood. That door opens and leads CheneyBot out onto a narrow walkway where a boom box sits playing a recording of crying Arab children. Before CheneyBot can recognize the setup the door slams shut behind him. A giant Halliburton crane plucks him from the plank and raises him high over a steaming vat of Saudi crude. An angel dressed as Uncle Sam will then engage the hydraulic lever and drop CheneyBot to his death.